1.A guy asks a lawyer what his fee is. "I charge $50 for threequestions," the lawyer says."That’s awfully steep, isn’t it?" the guy asks. "Yes," the lawyer replies, "Now what’s your final question?"
2.At a White House party, a woman approached Calvin Coolidge, famed for his silence,and said "Mr. President, I made a bet I can get more than two words out of you." He replied: "You lose."
3.Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door.I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He goes: "Not in a row!"
4.I have a large seashell collection, which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world.
5.A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words."I quit," he says. "That’s not surprising," the elders say."You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."
6.A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should havebeen here at 8:30!" he replies:"Why? What happened at 8:30?"
7.They say animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming. Like the night before that last earthquake hit, our family dog took the carkeys and drove to Arizona.
8.My grandfather always said,"Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health,someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.
9.Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here’s that $20 I owe you," he says.
10.Two campers are walking through the woods when a hugebrown bear suddenly appears inthe clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says,"What are you doing? Sneakerswon’t help you outrun that bear." "I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says."I just need to outrun you."
11.A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies,"Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar,and says, slowly:"Paint…my…house."
12.Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on therear end by a rattlesnake. "I’ll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. "I can’t leave," the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife,cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground." The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. ‘What did the doctor say?" the victim asks. "He saysyou’re gonna die."
13.A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask youa question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
14.Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. Thefirst guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."
